Trippy moment for me today. In a work conversation, I found myself resisting the work that had been laid out before me; not out of laziness or contempt, no, I thought out of care for our direction. Are these the correct moves? I feel resistant to so much of it; and felt myself tug, tug, tug, at every task listed. I was almost aggravated that these things were expected to be completed by an employee I oversee who I perceive as (and to me has a track record of) working at a significantly slower pace. So, out of frustration, and a feeling of not being understood, I resisted. It was a joyless exchange for both parties involved in the conversation, and I could feel the responsibility of this failure was on me, yet I stayed silent. “Sorry I’m being like this, I don’t know what’s up”, is what I wanted to say, but the stubborn Taurus in me resisted.

After this fruitless and disappointing conversation, I found myself on the phone with the aforementioned employee. She had been tasked with a couple small projects for the day (totally doable for the allotted time in my eyes). When we spoke, she resisted. She resisted the task in her own way; stating that the project was not yet complete; she did not yet have something we could see. I told her to get me something tonight, as complete or incomplete as it will be. I could feel frustration well up inside of me, but fell silent as she explained that a project like this typically takes a whole week to complete “Just for your information”, she said. I was screaming inside. It was the most direct, indirect way of saying “It’s not my fault I can’t get it done, and you guys don’t know shit about this stuff”. I wanted to tell her off, to say, “Actually, it’s a very reasonable deadline for the project you’ve been given”. But I stayed silent. I checked myself, because you know what? Maybe I was wrong. I kept myself from perhaps tarnishing this professional relationship, by maintaining a sliver of understanding. In that moment, a wave of humility rushed over me, as I understood exactly how I must have made the person earlier feel with my resistance. I also had more of an understanding and patience for the employee and her resistance…and my anger dissipated to calm.