Fears in Love

July 23, 2021

A lot of good men and women are afraid to put their heart on the line for one person. Asking a man, who is wired to be with lots of woman to stop is like asking a woman to stop being so sensitive. These are the kinds of commitments relationships need. It’s not a lightweight thing to put yourself into a relationship with both feet. There’s fear involved, and fear paralyzes; prevents you from moving. The fear is, the relationships in your life will stop you from growing. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, there are basic fears that we have all experienced in relationships. If these fears are not identified and dealt with, they affect our ability to find, and maintain healthy romantic love.

“She/He Won’t Let Me In”

Fear of rejection keeps distance between man and wife. People who fear rejection have trouble forming intimately close relationships. Why? There are many parts of themself they do not have confidence in; so they keep others at arms length so their husband or wife/boy or girlfriend cannot see their flaws. 

Imagine the couples who have lived together for years, and still hide parts of themselves from one another. 

Quarantine has been so lonely, because it made us long for companionship. Ladies, you may be craving intimacy; a deep connection that bonds you with your man [this goes beyond sex]. You want him to be vulnerable and real with you. “Why won’t he let me in? Let me in! Let me in, I love you.”. 

He can see it in her eyes and wants to let her in, but he is afraid to share his throne with his Queen. Both sides feel justified to have their way; thinking their way is better.

Understand, a secure person, doesn’t need to have their way all the time.

“I Can’t Do Anything Right in Her/His Eyes”

Gentlemen, you all know the stereotype of the nagging wife. You may have experienced it yourself, or know of a friend or family member in a relationship where she’s the nag.  Her man is annoyed, because the things she loved about him years ago, she nags him for now. Nagging can take many forms; complaining, controlling, criticizing. It communicates that you know better than your partner, and to a man that is a show of disrespect. Men fear losing control too; and become demanding as a result. 

When a man is unreasonably demanding, his lady eventually stops catering to him. She will see him as a tyrant rather than a kind and fair King, who deserves her respect. He will see her as disposable. Relationships have all types of booby-traps we can fall in; so giving up control can be scary sometimes. 

In fact ,the impulse to control others comes from a fear of losing control. Simply said, the more out of control you feel, the more controlling you become.  Ladies, think of a time when you have been controlling in your relationship. It’s not a good feeling; it feels icky and mean. Deep down you know you should stop, but it’s like you’ve been carried by a force that’s out of your control. Your man’s self esteem is in part, tied to the happiness and safety of his home. When his home is unhappy, and in his eyes his woman is the engine of the problems, he begins to withdraw and wander. 

The urge to nag is a learned behavior, most likely picked up from watching her mother, or mother figure. Embracing softness as a woman is uniquely powerful; it is a beautiful thing for a woman to say to her man “I trust you to make good decisions”, and leave it at that.  


Why is He/She Always on the Defense with Me?

Sometimes it can feel impossible to speak to your boy or girlfriend without getting into an argument. Everything you say is taken offensively, and he or she is always ready to attack. 

Gentlemen, think of a time when you were in a bad mood. Just got home from a long, hard day and you want crack a beer and kick your feet up on the coffee table. Imagine your lady says something that has even a hint of disapproval; and you snap back “Well you don’t do X, Y, and Z.”. This response, comes from a fear of disapproval. Everyone reacts defensively from time to time; frequent reactivity is child-like, and more importantly it’s slowly chipping away at the feelings of respect your partner has for you. 

Fear of disapproval is an invisible force that takes on a life of its own in a romantic relationship. He believes she is judging him, she believes she has the right to judge. As a result, he withdraws, she’s alone, and a very tense environment follows the couple wherever they go. Like a rubber band that’s ready to snap. 

The more critical and reactive a person is, the more they fear disapproval.


There Are 2 Paths Fear Can Take

 the Low Road, or the High Road.

Let’s say you’re at a bar with your girl, and you leave her side to get some drinks. On your way back you see a man trying to get with her. He’s being mad aggressive, grabbing on her, and she’s clearly pulling away, telling him she’s not interested. You don’t even think before shoving him away or punching the guy for being disrespectful. 

This is an example of a low road fear response- reacting without thinking. The response is more instinctual than thought out. The information of what is happening is first sent to the thalamus in the brain which then sends the data to the amygdala, which then lets the primal brain know it is time for fight or flight. 

Now, let’s say you’re at the bar with your girl. You leave her side to get some drinks, and when you come back you see a man talking her. He’s standing pretty close, trying to get her attention, but isn’t touching her. Would you react the same way you did in the first scenario? Probably not. For all you know, the random guy could be acting respectful towards your girl, but it’s too hard to tell from where you stand. You want to get closer to the situation, and get more of an understanding of what is happening before you respond. 

This is a high road response – where you think things through before acting. During this response, the info of what’s happening is still sent to the thalamus, then the sensory cortex determines that there is more than one possibility for what you have seen. Then the info passes on to the hippocampus, which thinks of all the possibilities for what could be happening. For example, your girl could know that man from work, and he’s trying to get her attention to say hi. Or, he could be trying to get her attention because she dropped her earring or phone. Hang back ’til you get more info, say’s the high road.

The high road response is a pragmatic way of moving. Like the saying “Always take the high road”, you want to be able to access your high road response as often as possible for the safety of those you love. 

What Avoiding Our Fears Does 

It’s been proven that avoiding things teaches your brain to be more afraid – it also shrinks down the world you feel comfortable in.

We start each day facing the fears that exist in our current worlds; the fears that stop you in your day to day life. Those fears also, will stop the growth of your professional and intimate relationships.  

Understanding can demystify the things we fear: Let’s learn how fear operates. 

Your body’s fear response begins in a region of the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala is linked to aggression, anxiety, and fear. 

Not being treated fairly activates the amygdala, causing aggressive behavior, as in the experiment below:

We are built to experience fear- we can endure it. Give yourself the freedom to fail, it releases you from fear. Always take the high road.

With Love,

Pool House