June 22, 2021

I’m 35, I live in Southern California. Recently married, but we’ll get back to that..

I’m starting to freak out a little bit because, I’m not able to get a job that pays more than $45,000 a year. My wife wanted to buy a house, instead of spending our savings on a wedding. But, I wanted her to have a wedding she would always remember, a day completely hers, and I defiantly didn’t want her to regret not having a wedding later in life. So, I spent the money and we had a wonderful wedding. That was 4 years ago.

We’ve been trying to build our savings, but something always comes up that needs financial attention. My wife’s name is Lori, yesterday she told me she was pregnant, with twins and I don’t have any money.

There’s this new feeling coming over me. In the past, I’ve always lived for myself. When Lori and I first met, that was one of the things she fell in love with. Now, it feels like Myself is them. Them, being Lori, the twins and our dog Naomi.

Its like the feeling came from outside of me and just hit me in my heart, and said you will take care of them forever.

I feel burdened with the responsibilities of providing everything for these 3 people, who mean more to me than I mean to myself. Not because society says so, because its how I feel through & through. I’m their man, and the thought I may be unable to provide and protect them is so frightening, it fills me with determination.

Lori will not be able to work for the next 2 years. I make 24 dollars an hour, I feel like a loser inside, that’s not money; but gotta keep my head up for them.. Sure 24 an hour is fine for a guy sitting on his couch playing video games, living off fruit, frozen pizza, and Big League Chew. But 24 an hour is insufficient for a man with a wife and family. I don’t know if its fear or depression I’m feeling.

Men are not forced to understand in their mid-twenties, that their capabilities determine their value to the marketplace. The less specialized a man’s capabilities are, there’s more people who can perform the job. The more people who can perform a job, the less it pays. In order to get specialized in something you have to get accredited.  A man’s accreditation comes through time, hustle and knowhow. Can’t fake being a man. Playing mind games for pussy is a boys life. There’s no filter for manhood, you can’t weave it in, inject it, or paint it on. Sooner or later the feeling that changes boys into men, will enter and transform what he is, and it isn’t fun. Its a privilege, but it isn’t fun. Manhood is scary, lonely and filled with love.